cue the dream sequence

for those who follow my YoutTube VLog...

2010-04-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

[Please read this, as a matter of importance.]

Dear one and all,

I apologise, most passionately, for the months of my absence.
The only excuse I have is that I have slowly been losing my tiny mind, and that that part of me (and some of you may know the very part) that feels so consistently empty, so broken, and so irreparable, has slowly come undone. And the consequences of this 'undoing' has consumed, ruined, and changed me completely, all at the same time.

This post is just a very basic summary, the skeleton as it were, of a girl who has endured an eating disorder and unhappiness for a long time, and whose mind and body finally gave up on her.

My next few posts will develop the story however, because there really is a lot to explain, and a lot to say. They will primarily focus on:
1) My thoughts and feelings as to what my eating disorder really is, both to myself and potentially to a number of others out there. The media knows fuck-all and there reports concerning this issue insults, offends and amuses me. I will share the personal, intimate, and at times humiliating, truth behind the Eating Disorder. Expect to see my mind stripped naked and vulnerable. Expect the uncensored and complete truth. When you hit rock bottom, you realise you have nothing to hide.
2) My parents and their reactions, comments, actions, and the opinions/emotions they shared with me, concerning my issues (which may truly surprise some of you out there).
3) My two major mental and physical breakdowns that have occurred between my last update and this; including the lead up, the full collapse, and the immediate consequences.
4) The aftermath of it all; including where I am now, how shit is going to unfold from here, and how a person in reality (fuck the movies and the television programmes because they are all bullshit) faces the decision, thoughts and emotions behind whether to recover or not.

These are going to be the topics of my next few updates for a number of reasons. Firstly, I want to share my experiences, thoughts, feelings as well as the story of how I came to be where I am, and who I am today, with those who are struggling too. Too many people feel completely alone and isolated (myself included), and it is completely unnecessary. I want these people to know that everyone copes differently, everyone lives differently, and everyone experiences different things. But by sharing the ways that I, personally, cope, live, as well as the things that I experience, I hope to show you all that feeling alone does not mean you ARE alone. And just because your Mam, Dad, or your best friend may not understand, that doesn't mean that you have to isolate yourself.

I am here. Other people are out there.

Every where you look, there will be people who seem to sail through life without incident, and upon reaching any bumps in their road, they climb and conquer. It is easy to see those who, in your eyes, are prettier, more successful, happier, more in love, more intelligent and generally more adept at life. But life is hard for everyone (except perhaps the 'Paris Hilton's' and trust-fund-socialites' of the world, and even then, they will have their own vices, flaws and difficulties, I am sure)... because if it wasn't, our lives would be meaningless, without achievement, dreams, goals or true happiness.

I have rambled on, I know, and if you read this I bestow upon you either a Knighthood (no, I do not know, nor have I ever met, the Queen, but I figure Knight-ing someone can't be too hard ;D), or my firstborn. Your choice.

Before I shut up and let you continue with your lives, I just wanted you to know two things:
1) I respect, appreciate, and love every last one of you guys. People do not search for and watch videos on Eating Disorders if they themselves do not have some sort of issue in their lives, be it the beginning buds of a problem, or a fully fledged and all-consuming issue (unless they are those folks who leave abusive and rude comments, but this only shows insecurity within themselves and their own lives, and they deserve to be treated with pity, sympathy and patience).
I want you guys to know that you all mean more to me than you could imagine. I started this blog feeling lost, alone, and just hoping to transfer my thoughts from my head to another medium. The support, encouragement and concern I have received is worth more than words can express. I want you to know (yes, YOU. YOU RIGHT THERE, READING THIS. YOU) that you are wonderful, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Again, sorry this has been such a long note along side my post. I just wanted to fill you in, share some thoughts, give you an idea of how things are going to play out from here, and let you all now how fucking awesome you are.

Love to you all, my petite poissons.
Elle xxx

go-go-gone

2009-09-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

i'm the most organised disaster -
if it's self distruction you're after look no further.
glitter stains innocence, or the other way around.
not sure. wearing common sense backwards in this town.

you say it isn't love, 'cause you don't wanna talk about it.
i say that's okay, 'cause there's no words to describe it.

2009-05-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

sit sitting alone, watching the rain fall on both sides of myself.
screaming your lungs out into thunder storms does nothing to help the world.
mine or yours or ours or no one's.

this is every body's song.
this is for everybody who's alone.
this is an intricate incarceration in your own skin.

this is nothing.
we are nothing.
to no one.

millenium

2009-05-16T21:45:00.001-07:00

i spent so many wasted stars building myself up just to watch the world fall.
nothing's as steady as rumour mills.
every day i miss her more than i miss myself.
interesting considered elisabeth has been missing for some time now.

i don't know how to say this
i'm afraid to fail again

but those east london kids have to say
i agree.

"i'm sorry."
"thanks for loving me."
"it was never meant to be this way."

wordswordswordsapologies.

if i was drowning, would you save me?

see you again

2009-04-29T04:48:00.001-07:00

you make me stutter in my sleep.

birds of a feather

2009-04-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

simplicity is busy when we mix with innovation.
our ambition is changing us from doctors into patients.
spend six hours procrastinating, and a few seconds kissing.
we'res masochists and sadists prepping lovers for corrupting.

'cause i feel you

2009-04-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

what can i say, i'm just a girl caught up in your world.
can't go forwards, can't go back.
limbo doesn't exist, but it's where i am.
does that mean i'm not real?

spend my nights lying awake wanting so much to be you
and i spend my days smiling and pretending that i hate everything you do.

people killing people is normality.
you killing you is normality too.

strange how we feel so broken together.

doctor, doctor, there's a problem in room 64

2009-03-12T05:28:00.001-07:00

i miss the nights when people phoned instead of facebooked.
voices instead of messages.
remember, remember.
this kid has blurry eyes and a blurry heart.
runrabbitrunrabbitrunrabbitbang.
it's murder on the dancefloor when your light goes out, or away, or something of the same.

i want moremoremore from you.
i want moremoremore from me.
i want us to just fucking be.

gossip girl... or girl gossip?

2009-03-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

i hope you're proud of yourself.
proud of yourself.
yourself.

I JUST NEED TO SCREAM.

cracking the business

2009-03-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

i tomar malas decisiones peor.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

2009-02-27T09:11:00.000-08:00

true.

rightfully wrong

2009-02-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

i. suck. at. life.

counting crows and the lowest of blows

2009-02-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

thank you.
thank you, one and all.
i owe every second to you.
you.
the girl with the dark hair and green eyes.
oh wait. sorry. my mistake.
not you.
actually, fuck this.
none of you.
not a single one of you has helped me out.
i owe you nothing.

bastards.

the writers weren't kidding

2009-02-01T00:25:00.000-08:00

can't decide if the days never end
or if they never started in the first place.
somewhere someone who looks just like me smiles a little bit.
i just need to find that place. find that girl. catch that smile and never let go.

there's ice in my heart and fire behind my eyes.
seeing but not feeling.
understanding but not caring.

"how does it feel to be in 2009?"
"like i've hooked up with 2008's older brother... and he's an asshole too."

i blame the sea, and the stars, and you most of all.

oxford

2008-12-17T03:31:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry.
please don't love me.

i lost myself at the bottom of a bottle.
and i drowned.

you're not 19 forever

2008-12-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

but i will be for 364 more days.

strange.
birthdays don't bring excitement anymore.
just unwanted attention and years turning into responsibilities that i'm not entirely sure i want.
do you wish life were simple like before?

candle wishes don't make much sense anymore.

timeless

2008-12-05T06:00:00.000-08:00

oh maria. i hear you.
you told me "we are lions in love with lambs".
maybe we are just everything i am.

good morning.

sit the fuck down

2008-11-28T04:56:00.000-08:00

this is the break down of the family tree -
branches snapping under your feet.
immorality was never so fun than when influenced by six diet coke and rums.
no no no yes.
nine in the morning. or evening. or never.

we live for dreams we can't even remember.
but i'll never forget missing you.
i'll never forget kissing you.
i'll never forget hating everything about you.

damn.

smileandlockitaway
x

i can get angry

2008-11-10T07:06:00.001-08:00

please.
take me home.

picadilly

2008-10-31T01:35:00.000-07:00

ativan.

eden

2008-10-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

smoke alarms and 2am rain -
it's almost halloween again.
ghosts settle in streets, and feel like they fit in.
invisibility of sins.

smile for the camera, baby.
you're about to win.

automatic

2008-10-26T06:12:00.000-07:00

cheap wine and 24/7 liqueur stores will be the downfall of this generation.
or maybe just my integrity.

i did it again last night.
fuck. fuck. damn.

get the doctor on the phone -
this girl is scared of being alone.

elle

2008-10-25T05:58:00.000-07:00

cynical. hipbones. sarcastic. insomnia. bass guitar. coffee. sunflowers. irish. vegetarian. yellow. untrusting. emotionally bankrupt. signatures. insecure. eyeliner. paper and ink. "fuck". lyrics. gin. diet coke. movies. anxiety. hands. photography. music. dresses. the morning after. 60's rock. raver. glow sticks. "win". chipped nail varnish. bruised. cheap wine. "knock knock, jokes". the magic roundabout.

"these insecurities will eat you up" she said.

"you need a danger sign on your forehead, to warn people not to get too close"

2008-10-22T05:43:00.000-07:00

well, darling, that's what you get for falling again.

going home soon, where ever home is. sometimes i think it's leeds. sometimes manchester. mostly it's on a plane into the middle of no where.
ever get that feeling when you just want to shut your eyes, jump on a bus, and let it take you far, far away?
some of us resist the urge every day.
just go. no one will miss you.

i've never been to london.
streets paved with dreams and all that fairytaleshit.
fuck your consumerism and late night premieres.
i want to be where no one is here.

autumn is my favourite month.
let's just collapse into piles of leaves, and pretend we're free.
don't be scared, pretty boy, come with me.

boo, you whore

2008-10-20T04:22:00.000-07:00

my throat hurts.
sad face.

no thank you.

2008-10-18T06:14:00.000-07:00

rolling tobacco with self-esteem.
hit it in your blood stream.
i'm tired of hiding secrets in my drawers -
emptying binbags of poor fitting belongings.
my skin's black and blue
so i use my diary to note every time i fall.
i lost count.
i gave up on you.

don't cry, donnie
it'll all make sense eventually.
growing up, growing up, going down.

keeping a calender in your pocket, so you'll always know when you are

2008-10-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

the boys in the first flat makes their mark in eggs and a fast pace.
run rabbit run rabbit run rabbit run.
leap from the ship before it sinks -
grab recovery with both hands.

is it alright if i don't want you back?
i'm drawn to the boys with bad words, but light in their eyes.
eric clapton told me that i'd find the right palm in the sunshine city -
well this town raised me in the rain, but i'm going to be okay.

goodnight, pussycat.
sleep tight.

you don't need to pray tonight.

roleplay

2008-10-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

lightening on thunder. rainclouds over sunshine cities. superior and spectacular. i call shotgun on heaven or the highway - whichever comes first. dodging bruised bullets has become a habit. sit back or hit back. fred astaire. i'm the golden ticket but you just missed it. contrusions on collarbones as she shudders beneath his weight. it started as a mistake and finished as a heartbreak. tonight she's six vodka shots into the moment. bang. she collapsed behind bathroom doors on tiled floors. hold back her hair as she throws up all shreads of dignity and despair. we'll never reach tomorrow 'cause you lost me at the first goodbye. and the sixth. this isn't any bird/love song. two rights make this dance too long. the blood dries faster than the ink. the latter makes a deeper impression, vomitting courage into kitchen sinks. break a dream. sleepwalk through history. the exits are sealed with regrets and misery. there's no going back. he screams for you. she saves her screams for someone else's mattress. what a perfect caricature of love and lust. god cried for my lack of faith. he cried for the smiles and scars that are out of place.

the mime waits for silent applause. feet in open doors. nothing is enough any more.

these heartbeats are one of a kind.

the best of us

2008-10-16T07:32:00.001-07:00

i'm the queen of good intentions,
that procrastinating facist.
you think you know where this all ends?
jesus said the same thing to his friends -
look where his time let up.
33.
everything we do is for the joy of the reaction.
chain satisfaction.
don't tell me you planned this - i guessed it was all part of the surprise for both of us.

your skeleton fell with the stars and shattered.
what a catch.

true facts

2008-10-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

everybody.
knows.
what.
we.
know.

food for thought

2008-10-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

"To the world you are one.
But to one you are the world."

the walls are tumbling down

2008-10-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

around your feet.
home ain't so sweet.
just give me a b-b-break.

not a chance, play your best hand

2008-10-15T04:51:00.000-07:00

i'm not good for anyone -
especially not for you.
we write our best lines when we're drunk or high.
pop a pill, or a lover.
i am here.

i don't really care where this is going
or what she said before.
i've got high hopes and lost dreams like no other.
could you want any more?

lost our dignity behind a dumpster.
other people's waste is someone else's treasure.

i forgot how to sing the high notes, so i talk in chords.

you tattooed her name on your middle finger
so you'd never forget to flip her off.
find your own, find your own way, find your own way back home.

my love is vengeance, that's never free

2008-10-14T03:58:00.000-07:00

i told another lie today.
i breathe them. they sit, thick and heavy in the air.
the priest in the pews is choking on the news -
attention, attention.
there is no god.
or he doesn't like talking anymore.
words are wasted.

i'm waiting for that special person.
the one who'll hold my hand, and just sit.

let's watch rainbows dance.

...

2008-10-14T01:16:00.000-07:00

no.

haven't you heard?

2008-10-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

Je ne comprends pas, mon chéri.
nous sommes les aveugles et les sourds enfants. que l'audition et de voir ce qui est dans nos têtes.
Je ne peux pas vous aime encore.
mais cela ne fait rien.
c'est tout bien.

J'ai vu que vous touchez l'or et de le transformer en poussière.
les contes de fées jusqu'à renversé. inversée.
J'aime à croire que le coucher du soleil dans ma ville me manque.
mais ça va.
c'est tout bien.

Parlez-en à votre papa vous ne pourrez pas être à la maison ce soir.
il ya seulement tant de tort que vous pouvez travailler à la manière de faire droit.

but, baby, that's okay.
we'll all be okay.
some day.

starvation instincts

2008-10-12T06:02:00.000-07:00

the world has been spinning slowly for a while.
it's nice to feel involved again.
see also: pleasant. pleasing. dull.

why is it we get off on our minds being flipped upside down?

i like to take the time to smell the flowers.
we've all got super powers. some of us just don't quite know it yet.

we can't save the world until we know how to save ourselves.

clouds are singing a song, marching along, just like they do

2008-09-16T05:24:00.000-07:00

i like it best when your cigarettes burn down to the bone, and then to my lips.
do we bleed just to know we're alive?
well, that's canary's in its cage, just spinning to get out -
it takes more than drink and drugs to break our barriers down.

and the walls are breathing, and slowly start to lean it.
but tell me, sweetheart, were you ever really listening?

sell your wishes for peace of mind

2008-09-14T05:45:00.000-07:00

i thought that by writing all the shit in my head down, it'd figure itself out.
these girls are moths, drawn to absent lovers over flames.
ever done something you'll regret until the day you die?
i'd like to say sorry, but that'd be too easy.
words will never quite please me.
look past the sweat, darlin', you haven't seen the best of me yet.

dance. dance. dance. drop.

tomorrow you'll be worlds away

2008-08-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

the lights are off but i can't rest.
everything i say i learn to regret.

fuck.

dear manchester

2008-08-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

so, i know where my roads are leading for the next three years -
hopefully with a detour to the USofA.
the weight's off my shoulders, but has slipped down to my feet.
i'm dragging my shadow behind me down the street.
where am i going with this?

i've never been so happy. i've never been so apathetic.
fourteen years for this?
goodbye home, goodbye person who knows me best, goodbye to the sanity i have left.
i'm not scared. i'm not worried. i'm not excited.

but i AM ready.
ready to breathe underwater.
ready to enjoy the brief pride of a father.
ready to get the hell out of this town.

latin verbs

2008-08-09T01:12:00.000-07:00

this is for those catholic bastards, who never knew their absent fathers.
i like preaching to people so much worse than myself about how to end up like everyone else.
humanity is fucked in the head(boards).
i feel sexy when i'm out of my mind.
we can't all be perfect all the time.

watching the phone ring again. observing people live in a different way.
i want to feel whole again. human again. flawless again -
wait. i never felt that anyway.

seems the hours take us from bad to rehab.
this is the gun that went off on the first pull.
you can't count bullets in bodies.

i blame the gin.

two and a half

2008-07-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

nine days.
nine never ending days.

they say cats have nine lives.
makes me thankful i'm not of the feline persuasion. i'm bored with the one life i've got.
bored. dull. lethargic with living.

everything's been done / said. everyone worth knowing has been known a thousand times before you ever get close.

i'm stuck in a time warp. back to the future of god-knows-where.
someone keeps turning back my clock. this is groundhogs day.
this is where the path forks off to two dead ends.

this is hello, goodbye, and everything in between.

birdsong

2008-07-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

i've realised that i'm only ever lonely when i'm surrounded by people.
when everything's been said and done, we can never be original.
i play games of asphixiation just to get drunk on the adrenalin.

sometimes i take you for granted.
i miss you.

no thanks

2008-07-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

i was thinking back.
back to first times; worst times; those 'i-wish-i-could-forget-you' times.
you say you regret only what you haven't done -
but what if the only thing you haven't done is make good choices?
this is a downward spiral, baby. words and promises can't save me.
there's so much i want to say. sentences coated in honey - or maybe this is tar.
"tucking fibs into a cookie jar"

i can't tell you, because the only thing i deserve right now is to carry my skeletons on my back.
this is my world. and even i don't want to be a part of it.

want to hear a secret? i flinch when people move unexpectedly.

you know why. you just don't care.

shush, darling. we can just keep modelling our perfection on trainwrecks.
it's the only thing we do best.

running with mirrors in our pockets to watch our own backs

2008-07-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

i think god hates me.
everytime i step into the street i half expect a thunderbolt to come tearing through the sky and straight into my sorry excuse for a heart.
hoping for and waiting for are exactly the same things.

to the two people who are doing god's job for me:

J. why? just when i'd got my pretty little head to listen to my not so pretty little heart, you just waltz back into my life.
and you're so much better than last time. "you don't know how mesmerizing you are, do you?" sorry, kid. this girl wasn't built for broadway. applause isn't my forte.
and somehow i convinced myself that i'd left you alone with your own finale. apparently we've just stepped straight into the encore performance.
and i think i'm playing the trick on myself, because i'm torn.

but then there's you, S. there's always fucking you. just like me; always just left of right here.
we're the photo's on the back of milk cartons that everyone notices but never reads. our tongues are foreign except when we speak.
how does it feel to be someone's everything completely?
yet we both know only bad things can come of this. you and i, we destroy everything that's beautiful, just to say we could.
i don't want to be my own worst enemy anymore.

the world is at a crossroads.
which way to turn, which way, which way.

kick the ladder from under her feet and film the fall

2008-07-16T01:22:00.000-07:00

nature, or karma, is kicking me in the head.
forming a fucking noose round my neck.
imissyoumorethanicouldsay.

my mind is the M62 in a thunderstorm.
your fog lights are broken. boys and girls fight monsters in closets with torches.

maybe we just have to grab the words and run with them.
(but i never could get it out, could i?)
tellhertellhertellhim

i still love you.
i never stopped.

sorry.

about a girl

2008-07-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

we just can't ever quite work this out.
i smash mirrors, and shout, and fight with myself -
running in circles never helps.
your mind is a maze, just waiting to be mapped.
these bruises on my hands are just waiting to be noticed.
but you'll never see this.

you'll never want to.

gold rings mark the start of everything we'd burn down cities to say.
i'm a skeleton key. or just an experiment in a laboratory.
so, what did this ever mean?
sometimes you've got to breathe deeply, and let your heart be opened -
but mostly you've got to realise that if you were invisible no one would notice.

i'm chasing canary's in my head.

turn up the silence

2008-07-01T02:56:00.000-07:00

life's made up of things your heart is breaking to say, and your head is aching to stop coming out.
lips bruise almost gently.
instead, they spill out into lyrics or lies, falling across a page in ink or blood or whatever we could find.
you have to let people in to see if they're really worth trusting -
i tried it and was left teary-eyed and disappointed.
is this all we have? is this all we'll ever have?

witches hold futures in their hands.
i throw diamonds and glass into the sea -
worthless but pretty.
sums up everything i kill myself to be.

i'm tired of falling.

the inevitable

2008-06-27T06:22:00.000-07:00

it's been a while.
i'm mostly staring to mirrors and seeing strangers, right now.
watching my life through other people's eyes on television. it's strange how things work out like fairytales when no one is really living them.

i think i've lost the plot, or maybe i never found the story.
let's just wait for the finale.

the nature of the regime

2008-05-29T06:28:00.001-07:00

it's strange, and then, not so strange.
we're all at our happiest when we're down.
he's praying for a problem -
just so he can say he's got them.
the best stories are the ones with the most tragic endings.
disney never quite got it right.

fuckedup&lookingup

generally

2008-05-14T03:01:00.000-07:00

i see the world in papercuts and slow motion.
not a pretty girl. just a sad song that we can never quite remember all the words to.
a face you can't quite recall.
the name you think you might have once heard.
i try and catch the clock at 11:11, just to pray to a god i don't believe in to save this/me/the world.
television shows the minds of our generation destroyed by madness and too many insurance commercials.
maybe they're two of the same.

i guess all i wanted to say today was thank you.
for holding my hand too tight.
for ensuring i always watch my back.
for being the blood under my fingernails.

WE are what we've been waiting for.

still here.

a working class hero is something to be

2008-05-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

your mouth is a cannon, set to fire in my direction.
this is all just practice for you.
strange. this bitch is used to be beaten down -
words go past the line. you know how to shake me up.

i only ever cry over the man i lost -
not the words the one who is left throws into my chest.
this fire is too hot to touch without getting burnt.
they all learn.
eventually.

i hate knock, knock jokes

2008-05-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry, you're a long way from home.
that candle will only take you so far -
it's burning at both ends, and your time is almost up.

knock, knock.
"who's there?"
"fate."

i am not a pretty girl

2008-04-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

today was a good day.
maybe.
i like watching my phone ring.
i collect missed calls like you collect lovers.
sorry, darling, i wasn't made to be broken (by you).

some day, everything i say will make sense.
that day i'll be dead and gone, and this'll just be the ramblings of a girl never really known by anyone.
not even herself.

i have the world's smallest violin sat on my shoulder.
and i play it fabulously.
yo.

my head feels safe in this place

2008-04-27T04:11:00.000-07:00

home is where ever i can shut my eyes without flashes of nightmares.
i'm still searching.
johnny, i'm sorry. i promise i can't change.
a flamboyant emergency.
this attention whore put a bullet in her head on the ballroom floor.
tell me, how does it feel to be perfect?
to know that tomorrow will always be better?
to achieve everything you set your heart on?
to hear keys in front doors and not feel your heart skip one beat too many?

nothing scares me more than knowing i brought this on myself.
help.

fuck 'morality'

2008-04-06T05:57:00.000-07:00

i'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.

these are the days that start bad and finish worse

2008-04-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

i'm okay right now.
okay. nice. fine.
i talk in a monotone so as not to give myself a way.
scared people will read between the things i choose to say.
survivor's taste the best food, and feel the most love -
we seem to appreciate what we've got when we brush past God.

i've become a parody of myself
and seem to leave my mark in third degree burns.
are you still here?
my heart's gone cold waiting for you to come home.

sorry, i couldn't stop the beat.

i think i forgot you before i'd even met you

2008-03-18T03:09:00.000-07:00

i've been away. yet i never even left.
my head feels separate from my neck. like i haven't lost my mind -
i just haven't found it yet.
we're buzzing through clouds and walls. birds and ghosts.
i want to be free but i'm desperate for someone to keep my feet on the ground.
i'm in between places right now.

i'm too rough for love.
i'll push you away before we even touch.

i collect good things to destroy.
amorality makes the best noise.

sod it.

disco

2008-02-23T01:46:00.000-08:00

boys and girls spend night choking on desires, and days fighting passion like fires.
i want to be what you need, completely.
everytime the phone rings, i shut my eyes and hope it's you.
maybe one of these days it will be -
let's just listen to each other breathe.

he's disappeared again. taken off without a word.
it happens. he'll be back.
fresh bruises and "welcome home"s.
i just want to know what you know.

i just need someone right now.
i don't want to be scared of the sound of keys in my own front door.

reckoning

2008-02-20T04:36:00.000-08:00

you'd be surprised at how loudly a person can scream without making any sound at all.

run, rabbit, run

2008-01-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

days and nights rarely look so bright as when i look into your eyes.
on second thoughts, pass me a bucket, you're too much to look at.
let's play a game called "irony".
everything you say is always true. darkly.
we've got black magic under our tongues, and cigarette ash in our lungs.

the right decision will cost you £1.60
don't take it.
this isn't your stop.

dear diary: today's been pretty.odd.

2008-01-23T21:23:00.000-08:00

looking forward to new panic! at the disco record.
like WHOA.

you don't know that i know. i guess this gives me the upper hand.
but everything that spills between your lips or fingertips is pure shit.
you're fabulous as you are. i love you like god knows what.
changing your thoughts and points of view doesn't make you cooler
and doesn't gain respect.

change for you.
not for them.

love etc

2008-01-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

ghosts and people walking through themselves and back again.
we all believe in the supernatural.

i'm been contemplating lately. life, love, peace, violence, stress.
none of it makes sense.
maybe i just need a second to rearrange my thoughts.
maybe i'm nothing like i thought i was.
maybe you got me all wrong.
i'm tired. tired of early mornings and heavy hearts.
tired of that pressure in my chest and head weighing me down.

i just want to know that this is all leading my up to something.

i just want someone to tell me we're never completely tied down.
i want to run through the rain in bare feet -
and get the fuck out of this town.

second, minute, hour

2008-01-08T02:32:00.000-08:00

there's plenty of time to sleep when you're dead.
don't worry sweetheart, this is all only in my head.
she said, she said.
catch me, catch me.
watch me, watch me fall down.
she's just playing these games for the attention -
this circus act of desperation.
"we're all crazy, baby"
this is the way we roll. true gold.
crow's nest silver treasures.
cheap silk pleasures.
you don't need this permission, you know.
sorry honey, is it too soon?
we're all alone in crowded rooms.
stealing lines off myself
as this all goes over my head.
crush.
a brush with fire.
all that shows in these eyes is decaying decadence.
these are clandestine truths. let me spell it out.

all i ever fucking wanted was you.

and we waste our time with the same old lines.
wearing rosaries and spraying churches with graffiti.
chain smoking cigarettes filled with sherbet.
"we're all one trick p(h)onies round here"
these are the resolutions you make to break.
i think i saw you once in a dream...

say what you fucking mean.

i'd give you my heart, and let you just hold it

2008-01-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

"we both reached for the gun"
midnight comes and clocks chime.
we're a little behind time. schedules doing backflips to catch up.
whispers of congratulations in ears that are blurred through too much alcohol and vodka burns.
stomach acid churns.

"good luck..."

it's kind of amazing what a person will do to fake a smile

2007-12-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

mimicking repetitive values.

know what i mean?
what i mean?
what this means?

mistletoe kisses and 4pm hangovers

2007-12-25T23:58:00.000-08:00

every year christmas loses it's touch.
that 6am bloodrush. children chasing reindeer feet on rooftop dreams.
a new one is approaching. beckoning.
swallowing pasts.

merry christmas.

next year i hope i'll be spending it with you.

loveetc

splinters and coffee tables

2007-12-22T02:43:00.000-08:00

ouch.
i always want what i can't have.
when the fight is too easy i feel like i've already left.
battle's mutate into wars.
you'll never understand this. you'll never get it.

what you've got means shit to me

2007-12-21T17:57:00.000-08:00

hey baby, tonight i'll be lost in the city lights
drinking myself under the table.

let's go and let some bad decisions make us.
touche.

hairspray hearts

2007-12-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

someday we'll get on a train and only get off when we're at the other end of the world.
that's when you'll really see what goes on in my head.
and you'll work out what i am.

and you'll never see it coming.
sorry.

18

2007-12-14T06:09:00.000-08:00

today was truly, awesomely brilliant.

thank you.

loveetc

katiebeth xo

ladies and gentlemen, may i present...

2007-12-12T06:24:00.000-08:00

the most fabulously pathetically self-centered and insecure asshole to waste our air.
she has a list of faults longer than the one of names saved for judgement day.
everything you hear is always true.
gold.
no one matters when your world circulates for airwaves.
"don't stop me now", i'm making legacies and you're history.
everyone changes, but this one is mutating.
avoiding mirrors like cracks in the sidewalk.

they're dying to be different
parading variations of smiles.
drugstore romeos and streetcars.
elysian fields lead to cemeteries.
breaking hearts and banks simultaneously.

fuck you all.

hello darling, this is just a note to say

2007-12-10T23:51:00.000-08:00

i never believed you anyway.

flamboyantly decorated with pictures of the murder scene

2007-12-09T19:45:00.000-08:00

we all have landmarks in the form of stains on t-shirts.
that doesn't mean we're the same. we're nothing but legacies and newspaper cuttings.
antique lipstick sticks to vintage pictures of bands we once loved.
that didn't love us back.
live shows that where we screamed to make our throats bleeds.
his is the twelfth night. this is much ado about nothing at all.
everyone's spectacular.
kindergarten blood lusts.
heart beat symphonies.
i can hear everything you think.
vials of poison line kitchen sinks.

searching for the emergency i left when i called in.
everyone runs when you lose the decoration.
dust and ashes.

a box of rocks

2007-12-08T23:59:00.000-08:00

this gold is too new to touch.
i have nightmares of getting burned -
somehow we just can't learn.
backstage london, glasgow alleys.
feet trapped in gutters as flood rise.
freeze or fall away.
breathing through gaps in the generation.
breaking fingernail on window panes, scratching your way out.
the seventeen year itch. witches set alight.
i want to burn in the dead of night just to keep this spark alive.

i want to watch the moon rotate a while in your eyes.

my floor is littered with rejected lyrics, tantrums and cold cups of coffee

2007-12-08T04:09:00.000-08:00

i keep my best ideas under the bed
pressed against the monsters i found in my head.
bad dreams. reversable fantasies.

lately every picture i see of myself makes my mind churn.
stomach acid burn.
i wake up in the morning and imagine i'm anyone but me, anywhere but here.
i'd even be her if i had half the chance.
my mirror has glazed over from lack of use. i'm tired of seeing reflected insecurities.
if only some one could see what i see.
i'm rolling my eyes at myself with every word i breathe.

thank you for loving me regardlessly.
maybe some day i'll try doing the same thing.

disputes

2007-12-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

circles are closing in
swallowing
breaking barriers of politics and sexuality.
we've all got stories to spill into strangers laps.
everyone has a message and a legacy to leave behind.
some of us cry into pillowcases, or down wrists -
drips of tears off fingertips.
we're holding onto cracks in our foundations, fixing brickwork with smiles we force onto lips.
this is going to be a long night.
monsters under the bed haunt you even when your eyes are wide
everything's resting on this line.
tomorrow is nothing more than wasted time.
take both her hands in yours and feel the feeling of feeling adored.

maybe it'll all be worth it after all.

loveetc

the world sounds like static

2007-11-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

i even bottle 'bottling it'.
i have a hot touch and city rush.
fingertips on swollen lips - don't make a sound.
we're the kids made of sweat and heavy breaths.
car seats and headboard creaks.
rated PG 13.
we're high on that sugar rush, or blood lust.
plastic vampire teeth in napes of necks.
role play.
downing vodka but tasting bleach
maybe it's time we cut back on the speeches.
monologues and soliloquies.
we're all (oxy)morons.
newspaper print circumscribed on palms.
tiara's make princesses.

white steads make princes.
chain mail won't protect you anymore than this will.

the painful casualty of predictability

2007-11-28T23:16:00.000-08:00

a regulated emergency in all shades of red and grey.
pale passions and community service.

i seem to be (only) capable of indecision. last year it wouldn't have been a problem.
now my heart beat races a little. grand national standards.
breathing quickens like it's been doing all weak.
anxiety burns the cross on my chest.
it's inexplainable, but i'm falling behind again.
if you'd like to call me right now, i'd smile just for you -
i need to know that you know what i'm going through.

circles are closing in on us, i need a break.
a chance to say, let's take a day, and remind ourselves why we came.

once i get home you're dead / extremist prose on the bullet in the back of your head

2007-11-28T01:14:00.000-08:00

maybe tomorrow we'll change the world.
act like someone sensational to get ourselves heard.
the lights are on in ghost towns, but no one's home.
abandoned and disillusioned, we pay debts with confusions.
it's the confession not the priest that brings us absolution.
50's dresses in space houses - clash of the times,
the titans are long gone.
giants are only tyrannous when they realise how small we are. don't fill them in unless you're sure.
and even then rethink yourself.
second guesses and rosebud kisses.
pillow conversations say more than eyes open ever could. fingertips on napes of necks -
slip and it breaks.
clean cuts are all the rage, but easier said than planned.
i'll spell this out so you completely understand:

i mean nothing i say, but i say everything i mean.
sometimes you won't see it until you look between the lines.
fingertip graffiti - i'll write your name on your wrist so you can watch as you cut yourself open.
my name will catch crimson fears.
we'll intertwine under moonlight.
until you realise you'll never be mine, and go back to her like we both knew you would.
because ultimately, this will never be enough.

this whine is almost good enough to drink

2007-11-27T18:14:00.000-08:00

calling all disaster fashionistas:
"i need you to know, i'm just skin and bones".
exceptionally irrelevant, fighting the feeling of feeling alone.

waking up minus those pixilated codeine kisses
is like losing lovers and fantasies.
did you forget what you were running from?

i can't look at myself in the mirror anymore.
fallen out of love with that look in my eyes.
the one that destroys everything that makes me feel alive.
perhaps tomorrow we'll break-out of these habits and charm our way into
chances.
accordian apprentices.
black tongues in hollow cheeks scream for the yearning to feel your lungs burning.
stand tall, they'll sell souls to watch you fall, this is beautiful dissonance.
car journeys at 2am down country roads without headlights.
we'll lose more than our pride and won't feel a thing.
you lost her on the inside.

repeat then rewind.

loveetc

misconceptions

2007-11-25T04:48:00.000-08:00

days dance into nights when eyes blurr while you're standing to attention.
pour yourself another drink, who cares what the neighbours think.
my password is 1989.
i imagine you saving me, and then turning 180 and saving yourself.
hades rules hell with an iron fist.. children on wishlists in grottos.
some things clear your head. some things make you believe everything you've read.
i make you go crazy for everything we said.
'us' was never a synonym for forever.
dropping cherries for lovers, a refund we can't reclaim.
leaving wills and sentiments into microphones. writing black secrets into lyrics that no one will fully understand.
my fingertips are lightening.
these scissors are almost frightening.
she'll show them what it means to be free - alley cats and police batons. every purpose.
shakng and shivering, he records the way she shed her skin on stage, gyrating high on podiums. selling sould in cages made of gold.
eyes freeze framing.
hearts beating to dance music DJs.
we sold our jewelry for trips to foreign countries.
fire burns rivers in cheekbones, marking years in weathered skin.
lips stretch to form regrets. she wrote this before you'd even thought of it.
perhaps someone's writing songs a little too tragic.
mabe she's trying to tell you all about it. the lullabyes that sing her to sleep until she wakes up choking on her dreams.
nightmares that only haunt her when he eyes are open.
headboards and headstones are marked by the same intials. signatures without homes.
streets missing signposts and addresses to ghost towns.

i don't want to be afraid anymore.

tell him he died a hero / catch the bullet with your teeth

2007-11-21T01:54:00.000-08:00

sometimes, to be extraordinary, you've got to be ordinary first.
everyone's special. and when everyone is, no one is.
my room and head are trashed.
bombsite's. the shit goes down.
this ship sinks.
this is a little convoluted, but absolutely contingent.
we can't resist getting pissed
to drown our dreams and memories -
between puking up in bathroom sinks
you pour yourself another drink.
this is judgement day. reckoning.
silly pretty boy, she doesn't love you like i do.
or maybe i just like twisting thruths.
manipulation.
rigid fiction.
fairytales based on traffic jams and 9-5 working days.
my nails are painted yellow.
you're pure gold.

1989

2007-11-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

only beating hearts can be broken.
considering sending the block of ice in my chest to hell.
i'm insecure and insignificant.
always the dreamer and never the dream.
this is civil war inside my head -
mass murder in both regiments.

everything i wrote yesterday was inspirational.
today it just seems trivial.

i'd give up, but i'm afraid to let go.
i really don't want to fall.

what did you say? this is all for the best?

2007-11-17T04:26:00.000-08:00

sorry, you're wrong.
these are the causes of the mistakes that make wars.
we sweet-talk to pillows in the hope we'll open our eyes and you'll be sleeping underneath our fingertips.

"tellmetellmetellme."
can'ts and won'ts seem to walk hand in hand these days.
memories and moments we try to replace.
not that i think you'll hate me, because that's just not true -
but opening lips will break more than just rules.
one more cut and we'll fall apart through fingertips.
slip on lingerie and dance on pedestals in cages -
see but don't touch unless you're slipping monopoly money into waistbands.

everyone thinks smiles are free.
sorry honey, mine are paid for by the trash treasury -
saving them up for rainy days.
this is just my way.
fuck dying in your arms and kisses on blue lips.
i write my own fairytales.
heroines disfigured in fires. heroes paralysed after forgetting how to fly.
scribble out the truth and replace it with lies, or compromise.
collaboration is overrated, so whisper fantasies and cliches into ears and headphones
this is just how it goes.
hold my covers tight: be my day and night.
the moon to light my way.

show her she means more than ever to you today.

we painted these roses red

2007-11-16T02:08:00.000-08:00

i did it.
fought it.
ran from it.
beat it into submission.
wore its outsides on my insides.
showed the world how it didn't matter any more.

these are avalanches. snow storms.
warm breath on cold mornings.
high altitude headrushes.

my mind is a maze.
my eyes are a map.
my finger tips are a time line.

standing on trainlines we know all that we never knew.
it's never as fascinating as you tell yourself it has to be.
the glass is always colder on the other side.
eyes reflecting moonlight.
lullabyes to grave sides. pretended this will be something prevalent.
pills to set off shakes.
shakes to spill your heart into headphone's.

keep that little blue disk spinning.
we're 7" from winning pulses and lips.
these are the stories to tell the grandkids.
unbreakable.

this chemical imbalance is just an excuse to say, "kid, you're fucked up."

2007-11-08T04:23:00.000-08:00

swear it's bad luck, or no luck at all.
knights on horses wielding egos and swords -
all armour and not much else. i know how it feels to be afraid of help.
the words have always been an obsession, but this is something new,
the bordello of your subconcious is open to fire.
each guy here drags his own shadow.
porcelain dreams.
diamond hearts.
we're the kids that claim to be unbreakable.
i swear to god everything you hear is always true.

the distance between us is dangerous -
sometimes i wish time would just stand still, so we'll never grow old and out of date.

stealing lines from overrated bands isn't my forte -
actually, that's a lie, i do it all the time.
nothing you see is me.
i'm a double shot espresso.
looking precious and precocious is all part of the show.

this is nothing but excessive procrastination and indecision.
you get it, or you don't.
i didn't want to admit it, but things haven't changed as much as she thinks they have.
i'm throwing out, "i'm only human"s when i get caught out,
and this time it's grown old.
vintage without that loving feeling.

roll the credits on these rainy-day kids.
we'll never seem the same.

money for pleasure

2007-11-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

you and me, we're pulling knives out of backs like it's going out of style -
with the way you've been talking it, you'd think you'd walk it something special.
backstreet doctors prescribing pills to make up for something less prevalent.
i know, i know, we've been here too many times before, she says
but god it just feels so good this way.
faces flash in compacts, tucking notes into half-price lingerie she swears on his life she's telling the truth -
slipping and sweating apologies and prayers in the left side of the confessional booth.
he's been convicted for fraud of pretending to be adored.
degeneration.
to hell with our good reputations.

these are kisses goodnight under the lampost, out of sight, to fuck the cliche of by the front door.
i'm just the girl afraid of second chances.
sad steps.
say yes.

hansel and gretal

2007-11-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

i read people as easily as you read these words.
except i see inside and out. i doubt you're doing the same.
but sometimes my insecurities get the better of me and i see things that aren't there -
illusions i create for myself.
mysticism and miracles, power without wands or spells.
sighing without realising, wishing days away while preserving seconds
dancing in hooker heels on street corners for money in top hats.
they're sending cards to pay their dues
with thoughts in between the lines of "i'm glad it's not me, but you."
accuse her of being the reason you can't face you own reflection.
convince yourself she's why you shrug your shoulders to shake off your shadow.
we all have secrets. some pass lips -
others are ironic.
let's look at this hypothetically shall we?
if someone told you they were driving themselves crazy, how would you take it?
silence is golden until you force that laugh that makes awkward situations blush in a series of quick-fire excuses.
a rush of, "you know i was only joking, right?"s, cut the tension with a knife.
this is the derailment you imagined. mirages.
the city rushes past insects and make a bigger impact than when it passes us.
blank it out, choke it down, everything ends "happily ever after" now.

expostulations at 3am

2007-10-31T16:45:00.000-07:00

i'm a borderline personality - somewhere between the person i am
and the one i try to be.
maybe she's more than hair dye and kohl eyes -
maybe these are just masks to hide behind.
if you could choose one person just to sit by and watch them smile, who would it be?
if there was no tomorrow, whose hand would you hold to the ends of today?
hypotheses of yesterdays. front page news, jazz house blues.
poetry scratched into the undersides of fast-food joint tables.

waking up in early hours clutching pavements.
holding on for your life only to realise there was never any chance of falling.
follow this path, it's he only one you have -
until you make a detour to the wrong side of town and send all those predestined plans to hell.
the tables turn an catch him off guard. everything he touches is golden -
and at the same time, nothing is.

sit down, gather round, and i'll tell you a tale better than you're life could ever be.
involving everything you'll never acheive.
the problem is: these cliches lack originality.
and that's half the fun.
learn some responsibilty -
better yet, escape to neverland.

happy hallow'een.
scare someone senseless.

i bought my heart on ebay...

2007-10-29T01:59:00.000-07:00

but it was in a pretty shitty condition, so i sent it back.
been watching the Matrix. that film is all shades of amazing.
"i know kung fu!"
i wish i did. insecurities don't matter when you can kick ass.
i'm a constant updater in the vague archieves.
i never say what i mean, but i mean what i say.
down that drink and repeat it until it makes sense.

i want some peanut butter out of the jar on a spoon.

this isn't a break-out, it's a take-over

2007-10-26T01:59:00.000-07:00

if i just wanted to sit and talk, would you be happy to just sit and listen?
i'd pay your way with a smile or two, just for you.

if you knew i loved you, would you love me back?
together we could burn the world down and out.

if i gave you my heart, would you promise not to break it?
bearing in mind it's only held together by lies.
this is the brutally truthful.

i miss those days where nothing happens. where you could be anyone, and anything -
but by choice you're happy being you.
i'm not saying i could kiss it better,
but together we could give it a damn good try.

tour guides for wet dreams

2007-10-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

what goes around comes around.
and sometimes they come screaming.
i want to feel your fingertips on my skin, so i know that you won't just brush through me -
i want you to prove to me i'm not as invisible as i feel.
so you want somebody to cure these lonely nights -
solitude is a way of life.
wild animal insticts of survival were sacrificed for the vainest of Romantic ideals.
heads and hearts in glass cases in art museums. decorated in all shades of emergency.
it's breaking me down watching the world going round without me.
can anybody hear me, because i just can't hear myself.
take a photo, it might last longer than i do.

hey euphony

2007-10-24T05:09:00.000-07:00

hey pretty baby, this is all you ever wanted.
today i was reminded why i stayed away from your side of town.
this is who i really am. maybe. possibly.
okay, so i take that all back.
conversations of hello's and goodbye's don't really lead to anything, you know.
taking tips from sex addicts on how to get laid. on how to get your adrenalin fix in the only way
you can think of.
these are nothing but circles -
round here we're kings and queens of hearts.
close your eyes and fall off the earth.
fall off the map.
lose yourself to find a purpose.
no one deserves it, but to me you're imperfectly perfect.

she never asked for a saviour, you know.
she never expected a hero.
stop trying so hard to be her one and everything -
you're already there.
savour her taste. you don't know how lucky you are.

a toothbrush in every timezone

2007-10-14T05:09:00.000-07:00

mirrors reflect thousands of photos.
mine reflects thousands of truths i'd rather keep hidden. dirty little secrets.
i'm a twisted goldilocks - sneaking around my own life like a criminal waiting to be caught.
i'm dorian grey, except my face is the painting, and it's twisting round every move i make. every breath i take.
i'm a skeleton structure of words and whispers of everything i've done and everything i haven't.
of course i'll take the blame, offload your sins onto my white shoulders, i can support the world.
believe everything you hear, it's always true.
stab in the cheek, kiss on the back.
tongues offering razorblade kisses and sure-fire misses.
every morning is spent yearning for every night. days blurr into years in the wink of an eye.

we're all just sharks and butterflies.
dangerous, but fragile.
vicious, but beautiful.

i'll rip out my heart and pin it to my sleeve
with a note that reads
"you mean oh-so-much to me".

i want to focus my eye on lovers and life - on success and ambition.
instead i'm blind to everything except beauty and aesthetics.
the vainest of Romantics.
i'd sell my soul for a second in the future, a polaroid that tells me this will all be worth it in the end.
a snap-shot of a true smile on a face i might just recognise from somewhere.
a mirror reflection that let's me know, someday, everything will be okay.

virginal call girls

2007-10-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

some days i have so many thoughts and phrases and expressions and quotations and images that it's like a small nuclear war in my head.
each is just as powerful and dangerous and prominant, but it would only take one of them to take off, and i'd be a gonner.
boom.
devastation.

other days however...
other days i feel simple. but inexplicable.
unbelievable. but easily explained.
i don't have enough words to describe today.
and my limit has already been used up in my livejournal.
feel free to take a read... if you can find it.

all-in-one

2007-10-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

i'm so sick even the air seems to be avoiding me for fear of infection.
it would explain why i'm finding it so hard to inhale lately.
i'm hot, i'm cold - and then i'm nothing at all.
i've got a fever and i'm burning down.
a candle with no flame, just smoke.

message for today: love gives you strength you never knew you had.

and sometimes it gives you the balls to use that strength in ways you never imagined.

imagine this...

speak

2007-10-09T07:38:00.000-07:00

just for the record, the weather today is overly defensive and on the brink of denial.

mclovin

2007-10-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

go see superbad.
now.