for those who follow my YoutTube VLog...

[Please read this, as a matter of importance.]

Dear one and all,

I apologise, most passionately, for the months of my absence.
The only excuse I have is that I have slowly been losing my tiny mind, and that that part of me (and some of you may know the very part) that feels so consistently empty, so broken, and so irreparable, has slowly come undone. And the consequences of this 'undoing' has consumed, ruined, and changed me completely, all at the same time.

This post is just a very basic summary, the skeleton as it were, of a girl who has endured an eating disorder and unhappiness for a long time, and whose mind and body finally gave up on her.

My next few posts will develop the story however, because there really is a lot to explain, and a lot to say. They will primarily focus on:
1) My thoughts and feelings as to what my eating disorder really is, both to myself and potentially to a number of others out there. The media knows fuck-all and there reports concerning this issue insults, offends and amuses me. I will share the personal, intimate, and at times humiliating, truth behind the Eating Disorder. Expect to see my mind stripped naked and vulnerable. Expect the uncensored and complete truth. When you hit rock bottom, you realise you have nothing to hide.
2) My parents and their reactions, comments, actions, and the opinions/emotions they shared with me, concerning my issues (which may truly surprise some of you out there).
3) My two major mental and physical breakdowns that have occurred between my last update and this; including the lead up, the full collapse, and the immediate consequences.
4) The aftermath of it all; including where I am now, how shit is going to unfold from here, and how a person in reality (fuck the movies and the television programmes because they are all bullshit) faces the decision, thoughts and emotions behind whether to recover or not.

These are going to be the topics of my next few updates for a number of reasons. Firstly, I want to share my experiences, thoughts, feelings as well as the story of how I came to be where I am, and who I am today, with those who are struggling too. Too many people feel completely alone and isolated (myself included), and it is completely unnecessary. I want these people to know that everyone copes differently, everyone lives differently, and everyone experiences different things. But by sharing the ways that I, personally, cope, live, as well as the things that I experience, I hope to show you all that feeling alone does not mean you ARE alone. And just because your Mam, Dad, or your best friend may not understand, that doesn't mean that you have to isolate yourself.

I am here. Other people are out there.

Every where you look, there will be people who seem to sail through life without incident, and upon reaching any bumps in their road, they climb and conquer. It is easy to see those who, in your eyes, are prettier, more successful, happier, more in love, more intelligent and generally more adept at life. But life is hard for everyone (except perhaps the 'Paris Hilton's' and trust-fund-socialites' of the world, and even then, they will have their own vices, flaws and difficulties, I am sure)... because if it wasn't, our lives would be meaningless, without achievement, dreams, goals or true happiness.

I have rambled on, I know, and if you read this I bestow upon you either a Knighthood (no, I do not know, nor have I ever met, the Queen, but I figure Knight-ing someone can't be too hard ;D), or my firstborn. Your choice.

Before I shut up and let you continue with your lives, I just wanted you to know two things:
1) I respect, appreciate, and love every last one of you guys. People do not search for and watch videos on Eating Disorders if they themselves do not have some sort of issue in their lives, be it the beginning buds of a problem, or a fully fledged and all-consuming issue (unless they are those folks who leave abusive and rude comments, but this only shows insecurity within themselves and their own lives, and they deserve to be treated with pity, sympathy and patience).
I want you guys to know that you all mean more to me than you could imagine. I started this blog feeling lost, alone, and just hoping to transfer my thoughts from my head to another medium. The support, encouragement and concern I have received is worth more than words can express. I want you to know (yes, YOU. YOU RIGHT THERE, READING THIS. YOU) that you are wonderful, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Again, sorry this has been such a long note along side my post. I just wanted to fill you in, share some thoughts, give you an idea of how things are going to play out from here, and let you all now how fucking awesome you are.

Love to you all, my petite poissons.
Elle xxx

go-go-gone

i'm the most organised disaster -
if it's self distruction you're after look no further.
glitter stains innocence, or the other way around.
not sure. wearing common sense backwards in this town.

you say it isn't love, 'cause you don't wanna talk about it.
i say that's okay, 'cause there's no words to describe it.

sit sitting alone, watching the rain fall on both sides of myself.
screaming your lungs out into thunder storms does nothing to help the world.
mine or yours or ours or no one's.

this is every body's song.
this is for everybody who's alone.
this is an intricate incarceration in your own skin.

this is nothing.
we are nothing.
to no one.

millenium

i spent so many wasted stars building myself up just to watch the world fall.
nothing's as steady as rumour mills.
every day i miss her more than i miss myself.
interesting considered elisabeth has been missing for some time now.

i don't know how to say this
i'm afraid to fail again

but those east london kids have to say
i agree.

"i'm sorry."
"thanks for loving me."
"it was never meant to be this way."

wordswordswordsapologies.


if i was drowning, would you save me?

see you again

you make me stutter in my sleep.

birds of a feather

simplicity is busy when we mix with innovation.
our ambition is changing us from doctors into patients.
spend six hours procrastinating, and a few seconds kissing.
we'res masochists and sadists prepping lovers for corrupting.

'cause i feel you

what can i say, i'm just a girl caught up in your world.
can't go forwards, can't go back.
limbo doesn't exist, but it's where i am.
does that mean i'm not real?

spend my nights lying awake wanting so much to be you
and i spend my days smiling and pretending that i hate everything you do.

people killing people is normality.
you killing you is normality too.

strange how we feel so broken together.

doctor, doctor, there's a problem in room 64

i miss the nights when people phoned instead of facebooked.
voices instead of messages.
remember, remember.
this kid has blurry eyes and a blurry heart.
runrabbitrunrabbitrunrabbitbang.
it's murder on the dancefloor when your light goes out, or away, or something of the same.

i want moremoremore from you.
i want moremoremore from me.
i want us to just fucking be.

gossip girl... or girl gossip?

i hope you're proud of yourself.
proud of yourself.
yourself.

I JUST NEED TO SCREAM.

cracking the business

i tomar malas decisiones peor.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

true.

rightfully wrong

i. suck. at. life.

counting crows and the lowest of blows

thank you.
thank you, one and all.
i owe every second to you.
you.
the girl with the dark hair and green eyes.
oh wait. sorry. my mistake.
not you.
actually, fuck this.
none of you.
not a single one of you has helped me out.
i owe you nothing.

bastards.

the writers weren't kidding

can't decide if the days never end
or if they never started in the first place.
somewhere someone who looks just like me smiles a little bit.
i just need to find that place. find that girl. catch that smile and never let go.

there's ice in my heart and fire behind my eyes.
seeing but not feeling.
understanding but not caring.

"how does it feel to be in 2009?"
"like i've hooked up with 2008's older brother... and he's an asshole too."

i blame the sea, and the stars, and you most of all.

oxford

i'm sorry.
please don't love me.

i lost myself at the bottom of a bottle.
and i drowned.

you're not 19 forever

but i will be for 364 more days.

strange.
birthdays don't bring excitement anymore.
just unwanted attention and years turning into responsibilities that i'm not entirely sure i want.
do you wish life were simple like before?

candle wishes don't make much sense anymore.

timeless

oh maria. i hear you.
you told me "we are lions in love with lambs".
maybe we are just everything i am.

good morning.

sit the fuck down

this is the break down of the family tree -
branches snapping under your feet.
immorality was never so fun than when influenced by six diet coke and rums.
no no no yes.
nine in the morning. or evening. or never.

we live for dreams we can't even remember.
but i'll never forget missing you.
i'll never forget kissing you.
i'll never forget hating everything about you.

damn.


smileandlockitaway
x

i can get angry

please.
take me home.

picadilly

ativan.