Wednesday 17 December 2008

oxford

i'm sorry.
please don't love me.

i lost myself at the bottom of a bottle.
and i drowned.

Sunday 14 December 2008

you're not 19 forever

but i will be for 364 more days.

strange.
birthdays don't bring excitement anymore.
just unwanted attention and years turning into responsibilities that i'm not entirely sure i want.
do you wish life were simple like before?

candle wishes don't make much sense anymore.

Friday 5 December 2008

timeless

oh maria. i hear you.
you told me "we are lions in love with lambs".
maybe we are just everything i am.

good morning.

Friday 28 November 2008

sit the fuck down

this is the break down of the family tree -
branches snapping under your feet.
immorality was never so fun than when influenced by six diet coke and rums.
no no no yes.
nine in the morning. or evening. or never.

we live for dreams we can't even remember.
but i'll never forget missing you.
i'll never forget kissing you.
i'll never forget hating everything about you.

damn.


smileandlockitaway
x

Monday 10 November 2008

i can get angry

please.
take me home.

Friday 31 October 2008

picadilly

ativan.

Monday 27 October 2008

eden

smoke alarms and 2am rain -
it's almost halloween again.
ghosts settle in streets, and feel like they fit in.
invisibility of sins.

smile for the camera, baby.
you're about to win.

Sunday 26 October 2008

automatic

cheap wine and 24/7 liqueur stores will be the downfall of this generation.
or maybe just my integrity.

i did it again last night.
fuck. fuck. damn.

get the doctor on the phone -
this girl is scared of being alone.

Saturday 25 October 2008

elle

cynical. hipbones. sarcastic. insomnia. bass guitar. coffee. sunflowers. irish. vegetarian. yellow. untrusting. emotionally bankrupt. signatures. insecure. eyeliner. paper and ink. "fuck". lyrics. gin. diet coke. movies. anxiety. hands. photography. music. dresses. the morning after. 60's rock. raver. glow sticks. "win". chipped nail varnish. bruised. cheap wine. "knock knock, jokes". the magic roundabout.


"these insecurities will eat you up" she said.

Wednesday 22 October 2008

"you need a danger sign on your forehead, to warn people not to get too close"

well, darling, that's what you get for falling again.

going home soon, where ever home is. sometimes i think it's leeds. sometimes manchester. mostly it's on a plane into the middle of no where.
ever get that feeling when you just want to shut your eyes, jump on a bus, and let it take you far, far away?
some of us resist the urge every day.
just go. no one will miss you.

i've never been to london.
streets paved with dreams and all that fairytaleshit.
fuck your consumerism and late night premieres.
i want to be where no one is here.

autumn is my favourite month.
let's just collapse into piles of leaves, and pretend we're free.
don't be scared, pretty boy, come with me.

Monday 20 October 2008

boo, you whore

my throat hurts.
sad face.

Saturday 18 October 2008

no thank you.

rolling tobacco with self-esteem.
hit it in your blood stream.
i'm tired of hiding secrets in my drawers -
emptying binbags of poor fitting belongings.
my skin's black and blue
so i use my diary to note every time i fall.
i lost count.
i gave up on you.

don't cry, donnie
it'll all make sense eventually.
growing up, growing up, going down.

Friday 17 October 2008

keeping a calender in your pocket, so you'll always know when you are

the boys in the first flat makes their mark in eggs and a fast pace.
run rabbit run rabbit run rabbit run.
leap from the ship before it sinks -
grab recovery with both hands.

is it alright if i don't want you back?
i'm drawn to the boys with bad words, but light in their eyes.
eric clapton told me that i'd find the right palm in the sunshine city -
well this town raised me in the rain, but i'm going to be okay.

goodnight, pussycat.
sleep tight.

you don't need to pray tonight.

Thursday 16 October 2008

roleplay

lightening on thunder. rainclouds over sunshine cities. superior and spectacular. i call shotgun on heaven or the highway - whichever comes first. dodging bruised bullets has become a habit. sit back or hit back. fred astaire. i'm the golden ticket but you just missed it. contrusions on collarbones as she shudders beneath his weight. it started as a mistake and finished as a heartbreak. tonight she's six vodka shots into the moment. bang. she collapsed behind bathroom doors on tiled floors. hold back her hair as she throws up all shreads of dignity and despair. we'll never reach tomorrow 'cause you lost me at the first goodbye. and the sixth. this isn't any bird/love song. two rights make this dance too long. the blood dries faster than the ink. the latter makes a deeper impression, vomitting courage into kitchen sinks. break a dream. sleepwalk through history. the exits are sealed with regrets and misery. there's no going back. he screams for you. she saves her screams for someone else's mattress. what a perfect caricature of love and lust. god cried for my lack of faith. he cried for the smiles and scars that are out of place.

the mime waits for silent applause. feet in open doors. nothing is enough any more.

these heartbeats are one of a kind.

the best of us

i'm the queen of good intentions,
that procrastinating facist.
you think you know where this all ends?
jesus said the same thing to his friends -
look where his time let up.
33.
everything we do is for the joy of the reaction.
chain satisfaction.
don't tell me you planned this - i guessed it was all part of the surprise for both of us.

your skeleton fell with the stars and shattered.
what a catch.

true facts

everybody.
knows.
what.
we.
know.

Wednesday 15 October 2008

food for thought

"To the world you are one.
But to one you are the world."

the walls are tumbling down

around your feet.
home ain't so sweet.
just give me a b-b-break.

not a chance, play your best hand

i'm not good for anyone -
especially not for you.
we write our best lines when we're drunk or high.
pop a pill, or a lover.
i am here.

i don't really care where this is going
or what she said before.
i've got high hopes and lost dreams like no other.
could you want any more?

lost our dignity behind a dumpster.
other people's waste is someone else's treasure.

i forgot how to sing the high notes, so i talk in chords.

you tattooed her name on your middle finger
so you'd never forget to flip her off.
find your own, find your own way, find your own way back home.

Tuesday 14 October 2008

my love is vengeance, that's never free

i told another lie today.
i breathe them. they sit, thick and heavy in the air.
the priest in the pews is choking on the news -
attention, attention.
there is no god.
or he doesn't like talking anymore.
words are wasted.

i'm waiting for that special person.
the one who'll hold my hand, and just sit.

let's watch rainbows dance.

...

no.

Sunday 12 October 2008

haven't you heard?

Je ne comprends pas, mon chéri.
nous sommes les aveugles et les sourds enfants. que l'audition et de voir ce qui est dans nos têtes.
Je ne peux pas vous aime encore.
mais cela ne fait rien.
c'est tout bien.

J'ai vu que vous touchez l'or et de le transformer en poussière.
les contes de fées jusqu'à renversé. inversée.
J'aime à croire que le coucher du soleil dans ma ville me manque.
mais ça va.
c'est tout bien.

Parlez-en à votre papa vous ne pourrez pas être à la maison ce soir.
il ya seulement tant de tort que vous pouvez travailler à la manière de faire droit.

but, baby, that's okay.
we'll all be okay.
some day.

starvation instincts

the world has been spinning slowly for a while.
it's nice to feel involved again.
see also: pleasant. pleasing. dull.

why is it we get off on our minds being flipped upside down?

i like to take the time to smell the flowers.
we've all got super powers. some of us just don't quite know it yet.

we can't save the world until we know how to save ourselves.

Tuesday 16 September 2008

clouds are singing a song, marching along, just like they do

i like it best when your cigarettes burn down to the bone, and then to my lips.
do we bleed just to know we're alive?
well, that's canary's in its cage, just spinning to get out -
it takes more than drink and drugs to break our barriers down.

and the walls are breathing, and slowly start to lean it.
but tell me, sweetheart, were you ever really listening?

Sunday 14 September 2008

sell your wishes for peace of mind

i thought that by writing all the shit in my head down, it'd figure itself out.
these girls are moths, drawn to absent lovers over flames.
ever done something you'll regret until the day you die?
i'd like to say sorry, but that'd be too easy.
words will never quite please me.
look past the sweat, darlin', you haven't seen the best of me yet.

dance. dance. dance. drop.

Tuesday 26 August 2008

tomorrow you'll be worlds away

the lights are off but i can't rest.
everything i say i learn to regret.

fuck.

Saturday 16 August 2008

dear manchester

so, i know where my roads are leading for the next three years -
hopefully with a detour to the USofA.
the weight's off my shoulders, but has slipped down to my feet.
i'm dragging my shadow behind me down the street.
where am i going with this?

i've never been so happy. i've never been so apathetic.
fourteen years for this?
goodbye home, goodbye person who knows me best, goodbye to the sanity i have left.
i'm not scared. i'm not worried. i'm not excited.

but i AM ready.
ready to breathe underwater.
ready to enjoy the brief pride of a father.
ready to get the hell out of this town.

Saturday 9 August 2008

latin verbs

this is for those catholic bastards, who never knew their absent fathers.
i like preaching to people so much worse than myself about how to end up like everyone else.
humanity is fucked in the head(boards).
i feel sexy when i'm out of my mind.
we can't all be perfect all the time.

watching the phone ring again. observing people live in a different way.
i want to feel whole again. human again. flawless again -
wait. i never felt that anyway.

seems the hours take us from bad to rehab.
this is the gun that went off on the first pull.
you can't count bullets in bodies.

i blame the gin.

Tuesday 22 July 2008

two and a half

nine days.
nine never ending days.

they say cats have nine lives.
makes me thankful i'm not of the feline persuasion. i'm bored with the one life i've got.
bored. dull. lethargic with living.

everything's been done / said. everyone worth knowing has been known a thousand times before you ever get close.

i'm stuck in a time warp. back to the future of god-knows-where.
someone keeps turning back my clock. this is groundhogs day.
this is where the path forks off to two dead ends.

this is hello, goodbye, and everything in between.

Monday 21 July 2008

birdsong

i've realised that i'm only ever lonely when i'm surrounded by people.
when everything's been said and done, we can never be original.
i play games of asphixiation just to get drunk on the adrenalin.

sometimes i take you for granted.
i miss you.

Saturday 19 July 2008

no thanks

i was thinking back.
back to first times; worst times; those 'i-wish-i-could-forget-you' times.
you say you regret only what you haven't done -
but what if the only thing you haven't done is make good choices?
this is a downward spiral, baby. words and promises can't save me.
there's so much i want to say. sentences coated in honey - or maybe this is tar.
"tucking fibs into a cookie jar"

i can't tell you, because the only thing i deserve right now is to carry my skeletons on my back.
this is my world. and even i don't want to be a part of it.

want to hear a secret? i flinch when people move unexpectedly.

you know why. you just don't care.

shush, darling. we can just keep modelling our perfection on trainwrecks.
it's the only thing we do best.

Wednesday 16 July 2008

running with mirrors in our pockets to watch our own backs

i think god hates me.
everytime i step into the street i half expect a thunderbolt to come tearing through the sky and straight into my sorry excuse for a heart.
hoping for and waiting for are exactly the same things.

to the two people who are doing god's job for me:

J. why? just when i'd got my pretty little head to listen to my not so pretty little heart, you just waltz back into my life.
and you're so much better than last time. "you don't know how mesmerizing you are, do you?" sorry, kid. this girl wasn't built for broadway. applause isn't my forte.
and somehow i convinced myself that i'd left you alone with your own finale. apparently we've just stepped straight into the encore performance.
and i think i'm playing the trick on myself, because i'm torn.

but then there's you, S. there's always fucking you. just like me; always just left of right here.
we're the photo's on the back of milk cartons that everyone notices but never reads. our tongues are foreign except when we speak.
how does it feel to be someone's everything completely?
yet we both know only bad things can come of this. you and i, we destroy everything that's beautiful, just to say we could.
i don't want to be my own worst enemy anymore.


the world is at a crossroads.
which way to turn, which way, which way.

kick the ladder from under her feet and film the fall

nature, or karma, is kicking me in the head.
forming a fucking noose round my neck.
imissyoumorethanicouldsay.

my mind is the M62 in a thunderstorm.
your fog lights are broken. boys and girls fight monsters in closets with torches.

maybe we just have to grab the words and run with them.
(but i never could get it out, could i?)
tellhertellhertellhim




i still love you.
i never stopped.

sorry.

Sunday 13 July 2008

about a girl

we just can't ever quite work this out.
i smash mirrors, and shout, and fight with myself -
running in circles never helps.
your mind is a maze, just waiting to be mapped.
these bruises on my hands are just waiting to be noticed.
but you'll never see this.

you'll never want to.

gold rings mark the start of everything we'd burn down cities to say.
i'm a skeleton key. or just an experiment in a laboratory.
so, what did this ever mean?
sometimes you've got to breathe deeply, and let your heart be opened -
but mostly you've got to realise that if you were invisible no one would notice.

i'm chasing canary's in my head.

Tuesday 1 July 2008

turn up the silence

life's made up of things your heart is breaking to say, and your head is aching to stop coming out.
lips bruise almost gently.
instead, they spill out into lyrics or lies, falling across a page in ink or blood or whatever we could find.
you have to let people in to see if they're really worth trusting -
i tried it and was left teary-eyed and disappointed.
is this all we have? is this all we'll ever have?

witches hold futures in their hands.
i throw diamonds and glass into the sea -
worthless but pretty.
sums up everything i kill myself to be.

i'm tired of falling.

Friday 27 June 2008

the inevitable

it's been a while.
i'm mostly staring to mirrors and seeing strangers, right now.
watching my life through other people's eyes on television. it's strange how things work out like fairytales when no one is really living them.

i think i've lost the plot, or maybe i never found the story.
let's just wait for the finale.

Thursday 29 May 2008

the nature of the regime

it's strange, and then, not so strange.
we're all at our happiest when we're down.
he's praying for a problem -
just so he can say he's got them.
the best stories are the ones with the most tragic endings.
disney never quite got it right.

fuckedup&lookingup

Wednesday 14 May 2008

generally

i see the world in papercuts and slow motion.
not a pretty girl. just a sad song that we can never quite remember all the words to.
a face you can't quite recall.
the name you think you might have once heard.
i try and catch the clock at 11:11, just to pray to a god i don't believe in to save this/me/the world.
television shows the minds of our generation destroyed by madness and too many insurance commercials.
maybe they're two of the same.

i guess all i wanted to say today was thank you.
for holding my hand too tight.
for ensuring i always watch my back.
for being the blood under my fingernails.

WE are what we've been waiting for.

still here.

Tuesday 13 May 2008

a working class hero is something to be

your mouth is a cannon, set to fire in my direction.
this is all just practice for you.
strange. this bitch is used to be beaten down -
words go past the line. you know how to shake me up.

i only ever cry over the man i lost -
not the words the one who is left throws into my chest.
this fire is too hot to touch without getting burnt.
they all learn.
eventually.

Monday 5 May 2008

i hate knock, knock jokes

i'm sorry, you're a long way from home.
that candle will only take you so far -
it's burning at both ends, and your time is almost up.

knock, knock.
"who's there?"
"fate."

Monday 28 April 2008

i am not a pretty girl

today was a good day.
maybe.
i like watching my phone ring.
i collect missed calls like you collect lovers.
sorry, darling, i wasn't made to be broken (by you).

some day, everything i say will make sense.
that day i'll be dead and gone, and this'll just be the ramblings of a girl never really known by anyone.
not even herself.

i have the world's smallest violin sat on my shoulder.
and i play it fabulously.
yo.

Sunday 27 April 2008

my head feels safe in this place

home is where ever i can shut my eyes without flashes of nightmares.
i'm still searching.
johnny, i'm sorry. i promise i can't change.
a flamboyant emergency.
this attention whore put a bullet in her head on the ballroom floor.
tell me, how does it feel to be perfect?
to know that tomorrow will always be better?
to achieve everything you set your heart on?
to hear keys in front doors and not feel your heart skip one beat too many?

nothing scares me more than knowing i brought this on myself.
help.

Sunday 6 April 2008

fuck 'morality'

i'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.

Saturday 5 April 2008

these are the days that start bad and finish worse

i'm okay right now.
okay. nice. fine.
i talk in a monotone so as not to give myself a way.
scared people will read between the things i choose to say.
survivor's taste the best food, and feel the most love -
we seem to appreciate what we've got when we brush past God.

i've become a parody of myself
and seem to leave my mark in third degree burns.
are you still here?
my heart's gone cold waiting for you to come home.

sorry, i couldn't stop the beat.

Tuesday 18 March 2008

i think i forgot you before i'd even met you

i've been away. yet i never even left.
my head feels separate from my neck. like i haven't lost my mind -
i just haven't found it yet.
we're buzzing through clouds and walls. birds and ghosts.
i want to be free but i'm desperate for someone to keep my feet on the ground.
i'm in between places right now.

i'm too rough for love.
i'll push you away before we even touch.

i collect good things to destroy.
amorality makes the best noise.

sod it.

Saturday 23 February 2008

disco

boys and girls spend night choking on desires, and days fighting passion like fires.
i want to be what you need, completely.
everytime the phone rings, i shut my eyes and hope it's you.
maybe one of these days it will be -
let's just listen to each other breathe.

he's disappeared again. taken off without a word.
it happens. he'll be back.
fresh bruises and "welcome home"s.
i just want to know what you know.

i just need someone right now.
i don't want to be scared of the sound of keys in my own front door.

Wednesday 20 February 2008

reckoning

you'd be surprised at how loudly a person can scream without making any sound at all.

Wednesday 30 January 2008

run, rabbit, run

days and nights rarely look so bright as when i look into your eyes.
on second thoughts, pass me a bucket, you're too much to look at.
let's play a game called "irony".
everything you say is always true. darkly.
we've got black magic under our tongues, and cigarette ash in our lungs.

the right decision will cost you £1.60
don't take it.
this isn't your stop.

Wednesday 23 January 2008

dear diary: today's been pretty.odd.

looking forward to new panic! at the disco record.
like WHOA.

you don't know that i know. i guess this gives me the upper hand.
but everything that spills between your lips or fingertips is pure shit.
you're fabulous as you are. i love you like god knows what.
changing your thoughts and points of view doesn't make you cooler
and doesn't gain respect.

change for you.
not for them.

Friday 18 January 2008

love etc

ghosts and people walking through themselves and back again.
we all believe in the supernatural.

i'm been contemplating lately. life, love, peace, violence, stress.
none of it makes sense.
maybe i just need a second to rearrange my thoughts.
maybe i'm nothing like i thought i was.
maybe you got me all wrong.
i'm tired. tired of early mornings and heavy hearts.
tired of that pressure in my chest and head weighing me down.

i just want to know that this is all leading my up to something.

i just want someone to tell me we're never completely tied down.
i want to run through the rain in bare feet -
and get the fuck out of this town.

Tuesday 8 January 2008

second, minute, hour

there's plenty of time to sleep when you're dead.
don't worry sweetheart, this is all only in my head.
she said, she said.
catch me, catch me.
watch me, watch me fall down.
she's just playing these games for the attention -
this circus act of desperation.
"we're all crazy, baby"
this is the way we roll. true gold.
crow's nest silver treasures.
cheap silk pleasures.
you don't need this permission, you know.
sorry honey, is it too soon?
we're all alone in crowded rooms.
stealing lines off myself
as this all goes over my head.
crush.
a brush with fire.
all that shows in these eyes is decaying decadence.
these are clandestine truths. let me spell it out.

all i ever fucking wanted was you.

and we waste our time with the same old lines.
wearing rosaries and spraying churches with graffiti.
chain smoking cigarettes filled with sherbet.
"we're all one trick p(h)onies round here"
these are the resolutions you make to break.
i think i saw you once in a dream...

say what you fucking mean.

Tuesday 1 January 2008

i'd give you my heart, and let you just hold it

"we both reached for the gun"
midnight comes and clocks chime.
we're a little behind time. schedules doing backflips to catch up.
whispers of congratulations in ears that are blurred through too much alcohol and vodka burns.
stomach acid churns.

"good luck..."